Sunday, April 23, 2006

True To Myself (is honesty the best policy?)

Thursday night I cried myself to sleep. I was hopelessly self-absorbed while reflecting on the previous conversation that I just had with Mr. N. In addition, I was still pondering over a discussion with my friend, Druttz, earlier that evening.

It started off simple. My introductory question in both situations were,
“Name an issue or topic which effects men that you would like to see written in a magazine?” I said, “It can be anything ranging from cars, relationships, technology and etc.”

Druttz shared his ideas and opinions with me. I agreed that his answers were interesting and well thought out. Of course, our talk included the common friendly banter and humor. Next, I asked, “I have a question about honesty. Do you think that I should be more truthful with Mr. Vegas and just lay everything out on the table?”

Druttz said, “In what way?” I stated my purpose and gave him some examples. I began to share my feelings that I thought that I was not being honest enough. Yet, is there really a point to initiate this subject, if he is not around me often? I only see him once to twice a month.

I continued, “I just do not understand. It seems like men only accept the truth when you have a man, and inform them that they can be another friend (on the side).” I said, “If you are straight up with a woman, and give her the option and explain her position, then she respects you more.”

Druttz proceeded, “I just think that women accept honesty better then men. You should write a blog it.” He’s right. I anxiously took my notebook out of my bag and jotted down shorthand notes for reference. We ended our heart-to-heart with kind good-byes and when are we hangin’ again type questions.

Then, I called Mr. N.

Boy, I was in for a treat that involved chatting on the phone until 3am the next morning. I created an identical blueprint from my dialogue with Druttz to kick off our discussion. Mr. N. gladly answered all of my questions. Slowly, I brought up the “honesty” theme.

“Do you feel that women accept honesty better then men?” I said in an inquisitive tone.

Mr. N responded, “No, I don’t think that women accept honesty better then men. However, I do feel that they accept someone being unfaithful to them better then men.”

WOW! I was speechless. I had to remind myself that Mr. N is not your average man, therefore, his mind, thoughts and actions work differently. In the same token, his process of thinking is the reason that I bring these types of discussions to him.
Again I continued, “Do you think that I should be more truthful with Mr. Vegas and just lay everything out on the table?” Within that same breath, I could feel myself eating my own words. I had mentioned this to him before, but I did not know what to anticipate on the other end of the phone.

Mr. N expressed to me that it’s unnecessary at this point since I was not extremely truthful from the beginning (when I met Mr. Vegas last August). “You give everyone the perception that you’re innocent.”

“What? No, I do not give everyone the perception that I’m innocent! This is me, this is who I am.” I was astonished, flabbergasted, perplexed, and slightly offended. What did he mean by that statement? I began to question my own integrity. Am I living a lie? Am I being true to me? If I am not being truthful in my personal life then how can I be honest in business?

Mr. N. and I exchanged words back and forth about honesty, marriage, relationships, adultery, deceitfulness, our friendship/relationship and more. He ended the conversation with something that stuck to me like glue. “You need to start thinking about the other person (putting yourself in their shoes), before you make decisions. This is why I always bring up examples that show you their side. That shows you how it feels if it was done to you.”

I had the worst headache by the time that I had clicked the orange speakerphone button on my Panasonic cordless phone. It was the end for now. Maybe, just maybe I am lying to myself and everyone else in my life. I rolled over, closed my eyes, and cried myself
into a partial four-hour nap.

So I ask, “Do I give you the perception that I’m innocent?”

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