Defeated

Hey All,

New York has kicked my butt over and over again for the past two weeks. I'm feeling a bit defeated. So, I apologize if I have not posted anything fresh and new. But THE "real life" GRIND has been weighing on me heavy lately. I'm coming up on some very important decisions that I must make soon (in order to grow and continue on with life). Honestly, I'm kinda afraid. More afraid of that I will have to fight (negotiate) for what I really want and that has never been my strongest skill. I've always accepted crumbs or pennies that have gotten thrown my way in the past. But in due time, you just grow bitter and disappointed in yourself that you didn't' speak up and/or take a stand for what you really wanted. I will not continue to do that to myself anymore. In the end, keeping my mouth closed has bitten me right in the ass every-single-time!!!! I know my worth. Don't I deserve all that I'm worth and more?

What do you think?

Miss Joi

When It Rains, It Pours…

I checked my blog recently and suddenly realized that I’d let an entire month pass by without posting another exciting, interesting, or even mind boggling story. Actually, that’s not a stretch for me since I let the entire year of 2007 fly by without writing even a line on THE GRIND. Hey, what can I say? 2007 was a huge transitional year for me where I always used the famous excuse, “It must be writer’s block.” Hence, here we are; 2009 and no post(s) for March. I assure you, I let my problems in life get me down so low that it paralyzed my drive to write. It happens sometimes and that same parlayed feeling came over me in 2007. But I’ve turned a new leaf and as each day passes, I work on making myself a better person, a better writer/blogger, and even a better woman. Therefore, I will gradually ease into loading more stories in a faster and more efficient time span.

Over the past few years, I’ve received a tremendous amount of feedback since the blog was born circa 2005. Some advice good, some bad, some very ugly; but I take it all in and soak it up like a giant sponge. Even if it’s bad, at least someone is talking about the blog and/or me. Many will say, “Joi, I read your blog. It’s funny and entertaining.” Others will say, “I’ve been reading your blog and it’s so real.” And then some will even say, “I read your blog; I wish that I had your life. I want to whisk away to LA on a minute's notice.” I smile with every comment and give myself an imaginary pat on the back, if I can help or teach one person from my sick, twisted, and inspiring journey in life then that’s what matters to me.

But let me explain something, perception is everything, sometimes. It can even seems like reality in some cases. Yes, I did whisk away to LA to visit Bruce Wayne (on business and on extremely short notice).Yes, I did have the most exciting, most memorable trip to Barcelona and Ibiza this past summer. Yes, I am very blessed and have had the most amazing opportunities thrown my way (or I created them myself). However, maybe I’m not real enough on this blog I call, THE GRIND. Maybe I have not shown you that I work hard, long hours most days and get little sleep other days. Maybe I have not been raw enough. Maybe I have not explained to you that I just dished out $100 to a plumber so that he could fix a serious 4 month or more leak from my bathroom toilet knowing that same $100 was definitely my grocery money. Hey, I’m a writer by choice, intern by day, waitress/bartender by night. I’m sure you can understand my need to count and pinch every penny in my sad bank account, especially in these times.

I remember one day last week, returning phone calls and speaking with several of my friends, and even my mother. I felt like I was talking to the same person with a different name. Everyone sounded as if life had gotten the best of them. Their spirits were broken. All of them had confided in me and I noticed that they (my friends) were just as bad off as I am, especially in these times. It hurt me more that I’m not in a position to help them. Hell, I can barely help myself. I came to the realization that just when you think that you’ve got it bad, someone is always in a worse situation than you. I always thought that was a joke, until I witnessed it for myself on that day. I aim to stay in a positive mind set while continuing to grow through it all. My cousin, Miss Lawyergirl said to me that she’s tired of hearing all of the positive mumbo-jumbo. She proclaims herself as a realist; someone who has the disposition to face the facts and to deal with them pratically. Hey, I’m a realist too. It’s essential to be one, especially in these times. But don’t we all agree that optimism is much sexier then cynicism?

“To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.” –Eckhart Tolle, best-selling author of the book, The Power of Now.

Restless...

I was coming home from work at around 5am when one of my customers spotted me on the train. We exchanged “Hello” and took our seats on the train. I had a book in hand ready to delve into the pages; however, I did not want to seem rude. The conversation began with the highlights from the previous night. I informed him that my night was very slow as far as work. He told me that he went to a birthday party at club Mansion. He mentioned that he “hated the club” but his friend’s birthday was there and he wanted to come out and support. Next, the discussion switched to careers and past work experience.

So, here’s my dilemma: I mentally cringe inside when someone inquires about what I do as far as a career and what I’m currently working on as far as projects. Why? I’m sure you’re asking as you continue to read this post. Well, I am a writer. But no one and I mean no one is content with the response, “Oh, I’m a writer” showing a smile and changing the subject. No, that’s never enough. The follow up question to that answer is “Well, what do you write?” This is where its gets tricky. People define you by what you do. Hell, I’m sure they even unconsciously judge you by your choice of work. At this point, I get nervous and think to myself, “Shit. What do I write? What am I doing with myself? Where is my career going?” I’m still searching to categorize myself as a _______writer. Therefore, I really can not give the person inquiring a solid answer. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m still trying to find my own niche. The most painful part of it all is what if I never find it and I’m still Restless…Restless with my half-baked, half-full career. I feel as if my GRIND to entrepreneurship has made a complete stop. I’m not sure where to go next.

My customer, as usual, asked me the same notorious question. The question that has me tongue-tied about my career.

“What do you write?” he said.

“Well, I’m qualified in a few areas but my expertise was in public relations. But, I’m not sure if I want to do that anymore. I don’t know,” I said unhappily while shrugging my shoulders.

The conversation continued about my educational background, past jobs, editorial magazines, and a few more sentences that ended with me saying, “I don’t know.”

Then he said, “How long have you been out of school?”

“Long enough,” I quickly commented.

“And your still saying ‘I don’t know’,” he brought to my attention.

“Well, yeah because I don’t know. What else should I say? I’m still sorting it all out.” I said.

I was relieved that we finally stopped talking about me and focused on his career and life experiences. I learned that he is in finance, went to college in Chicago, finished his senior year in Greece to study internationally, worked for Lehman Brothers up until last week, and has now taken a new position as VP at some bank. In addition, he is supporting his 21 year-old sister who will be going to college in Chicago as well.

I had to admit that I was impressed. He definitely sounded like he had it all figured out. He was confident but not arrogant at all. His story was motivating.

The train stopped and the doors opened.

“Is this your stop?” he said.

“Yes, it is.” I got up said my “good-byes” and bolted for the steps to get ahead in the cab line. I knew that I could only blame myself if I truly fail as a writer. I guess feeling Restless got one good thing out of me. It got me to write this post for my blog and I am happy that I decided to do it.

Food For Thought: Have you ever felt restless about your career? What did you do about it? How did you overcome it?

I welcome your comments as I am sure that they will inspire me. So, please don’t forget to type your opinions in the comment section.