Friday, May 09, 2008

The Unattainable

As I sit back and reflect on that night at the bar of feeling like Carrie Bradshaw observing “Mr. Big” mingling with a couple of females, I just smirk in relief. “Well, at least I didn’t fuck him.”

There he was; gorgeous, laughing, smiling, and having the time of his life. The chemistry was totally there. I’d only been observing Mr. CB, my girlfriend and her friend at the bar for 5 minutes or less. But it seemed that Mr. CB grew smitten my girlfriend’s friend in a matter of seconds. By the end of my shift, I was on the phone venting to a friend about the entire situation. Why did Mr. CB have to come on my turf to pick up new prospects?

I must define the history between me and Mr. CB before I continue the story.

He and I went out on a couple of dates. Honestly, they were all fabulous. We get along. He fit the typical profile of what I enjoy about men. He’s charming, sensible, honest, successful, older (in his 40’s), handsome, educated, and extremely unattainable. Did I mention, extremely unattainable? Mr. CB is divorced and after he revealed this to me, I sensed that he was definitely enjoying his newly found single life. Believe me; I witnessed him enjoying the “single life” every time he brought a different woman into the bar where I work. But that never bothered me and I never judged him. I was intrigued. Unfortunately, Mr. CB’s exit was surprisingly abrupt. I thought I’d played all of my cards right with this one. He performed the typical stop calling and texting with no explanation move. So, I mentioned his rude, cowardly disappearing act. He was truthful and told me that his feelings were with another woman whom he had a relationship with some years ago. They were trying to decide if they should give it another try. He was compassionate with his explanation. “Joi, you are a gem and I don’t want to ruin that.” I rolled my eyes. I informed Mr. CB that he could have just told me that information instead of disappearing without as much of a good-bye to saver ties, respectfully. I told him that we can be just friends. “Well, Actually I don’t have many platonic female friends,” Mr. CB confessed. I looked at him with a raised eyebrow and thought to myself, “I really should be deleting your number after that statement.”

One day, my thoughts were consumed with him. As a result, I decided to check on him and send a friendly text to his cell phone. He never responded. I sent another text message a few weeks later. No response. So when he managed to walk into the bar where I work it felt as if I’d seen a ghost. It was even scarier because I’d just sent him the second text message the night before.

I’ll admit it. I’m still very fond of Mr. CB. However, I’ve managed to keep my distance since it was he who initiated the distance between us. Now that Mr. CB and I do not talk as much compared to when we first met, I find myself thinking about him. I want him even more. Therefore, when I witnessed him conversing with my girlfriend’s friend from the other side of the bar, I was not happy and had decided that he was hitting a little too close to home. His eyes managed to meet mine. I gave him the look of death. Given the chance, my stare probably would have burned a hole through his navy blue sweater. The decent woman in me wanted to believe that he was just talking and entertaining miscellaneous women while he waited for his friends. The territorial woman in me was convinced that he was definitely flirting with my girlfriend’s friend and that they had exchanged phone numbers, business cards, or something to keep in contact with each other. I was disappointed, annoyed, upset.

Upset with myself that I had been fascinated by yet another unattainable man. Upset that he was another unattainable man who would not return my text messages, probably did not want anything exclusive with me, and managed to fall off the face of the earth with no regard of my feelings. Why do I always like the guys who seem so far from my reach? They’re just so aloof and emotionally detached. They were all similar in that way and I certainly attached myself to them-physically and/or emotionally; Mr. Vegas, Mr. Promoter, Mr. Roc-A-Wear, Mr. C, and now, Mr. CB. It’s almost as if I’m dating the same man over and over and over again but with a different name. Actually, the only thing that these men had in common; other then the fact that they could never be hooked into a healthy relationship; was yours truly, me. I really can not blame these men as I choose to deal with them, so I blame myself.

I’ve never enjoyed anything that came to me easily, especially men. But what’s the point of the chase if you’ll never be able to win the prize in the end?


  1. Hey Girl.....this is some good stuff, very entertaining!

  2. My 2 cents is that this has something to do with you not wanting to get hurt, so you get smitten with men who'll never commit, which of course, keeps you from having to commit. The problem is, you still get emotionally attached, even if just a little, so you still end up unhappy. 40+ year old men who date women in their early and mid 20s have issues of their own and should prob not be in your consideration set.

    I'm just sayin'

  3. You couldn't have said it better. Your fear of commitment and true intimacy is just as real as his. Like attracts like. You're just as unattainable as he is. There's probably some poor guy you rejected or pulled the disappearing act on some other blog wondering why women don't like nice men, they claim they want one. I honestly believe you can't have a fullfilling relationship until you so cliche..but yes, love yourself, mature emotionally, and do some introspection observe some unhealthy patterns in relationships, not just men, family, friends, and actually yes CHANGE the way you view yourself and how you feel you should be treated to more positive patterns. Then you'll be able to appreciate and open yourself to someone who's a great guy, comes with no complications, instead of thinking it's not fun if it comes easy. What's not fun is being lonely, and perpetually single and crying and stressed out, rejected over the unattainalbe man.