Miss Independent

Hi There... Miss Joi has gone "independent"! This is not a post about being independent, doing it all on your own and bashing men in the process. But what I mean is that my first written piece was recently published online for The Independent, a magazine obsessed with covering the independent film industry since 1978. They've cleverly managed to move from print to online media. I'm totally siked, so I had to tell someone!!! You know that women can't keep secrets (wink, wink). So, click here and read my article on Pamela Cuming and Lee Ross, the phenomenal writing duo behind the psychologically intense drama, Downloading Nancy starring starring Maria Bello (Thank You for Smoking, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor) and Jason Patric (Sleepers, Expired)

Let me Know your thoughts! Thanks, Miss Joi

Prototype

This Saturday morning, I’d awaken to a man telling me over Blackberry Instant Messenger that I am a “Prototype for why niggas act like niggas sometimes.”

Well, to say the least it certainly helped me to pop out of my bed feeling perplexed. How do you respond to a statement like that; a statement so rash, so abrasive, and so untactful? All that I could think of was how I did not want to start my morning filled with the drama of responding to a man that sounded like he had his morning coffee with a side of bitter & broken ego. Then again, I never heard the words come out of his mouth; therefore, I was not sure if I should be offended or a bit intrigued by this shady IM message. Well, I went with offended and confused. It fits me better (wink, wink). But I definitely wanted to know where this comment stemmed from since the original IM exchange was about his friend’s inquires about me; not his own issues with what type of woman I am in his eyes. Needless to say, it came out of no where based on the initial topic of conversation.

Before I continue along with the story, let me be fair and give you some background information. I don’t want to paint this man out to be a jerk aka asshole, just because he felt the need to say that I am a “Prototype” for anything. He was just merely expressing his feelings. I’ve already come to the conclusion (before this post was written), that he just isn’t the man for me in an intimate capacity, and that’s totally fine. Don’t worry, I’m not going to cry or slit my wrist due to a situation that ends unhappy or as a cliff hanger. I learn more about myself from all of it.

I’ll keep the backgrounder short and sweet. This man and I had only established a business rapport with one another until we had an early morning breakfast almost two months ago. It was cool. We ate, we talked, we bonded which led to an exchange of numbers, emails, and IM names. At breakfast, he confessed that he was attracted to me and I grew fond of him after several interactions of witty banter and interesting discussions via phone and IM messages. He was sweet, laid-back, smart and real. His aura gave off the most honest energy but it was positive. In a nut shell, he asked me out and we confirmed a day. Unfortunately, I cancelled due to an impromptu business trip to LA to meet with Bruce Wayne (see Picture Perfect; My LA Trip post from January 27th). After my return to NYC, we still continued to talk daily but I didn’t commit to go out with him again. Yes, it was unconscious but I take full responsibility for not being aggressive with rescheduling another outing. Hey, I was still happy with just talking to him and learning about one another. The daily talks began to slow down and when I would check in on him, something seemed off. In the end, he expressed to me that he will loose interest in a woman if “the situation just stands still”. I told him that I completely understand and could respect his honesty and his decision. In my mind, the witty chatter was over and we would go back to the business rapport that was there in the beginning. There was certainly no love lost.

So, as you can see our personal relationship ended on a considerate note. I hope now you can understand where my confusion came from: 1.) I did not expect for him to contact me again (on a personal level) 2.) Why would he say such a hasty statement about me?

Well, we talked over the phone later on so that he could further explain himself to clear things up. It was basically the same thing that he’s told me before. He lost interest, I was giving him the run-around, he’s not the type of man who does a mouse and cat chase with women, and he basically couldn’t understand the point of us since I didn’t give him more time. However, he did sincerely apologize for saying or typing that I was the “Prototype for why niggas act like niggas sometimes.” Hey, people say what they mean, so I feel that's how he really thinks of me, as the “Prototype.” The chick that plays it cool, doesn’t act as expected and doesn’t baby the male ego as she should; the woman who’s untraditional and won’t conform easily. As a result, she is the excuse of why men act out. Please, give me a break!

I stressed to him that the comment was offensive, untactful and inappropriate. But of course, there’s no love lost. I was never angry with his decision. Hell, he chose his choice and he should stand by it; not call me out because I didn’t stroke his ego enough while massaging his dick. Yes, the language is dirty this time around but you get my point, right?

I also told him that I’m in a stage of my life where I am the woman who does NOT want a “fuck buddy” or a “boyfriend”. I’m still figuring it all out. So, should I be punished for my indecisiveness and called a “Prototype for why niggas act like niggas sometimes?” Yes, we’re adults here and I know that there really is no happy medium between a “fuck buddy” and “boyfriend”. But I will not be rushed into any situation or called names. Our conversation ended awkwardly as he had to run to meet his friends for lunch and at the same time, I was still speechless from the drama that had occurred. It was still sinking in. We said our good byes and hung up the phone with no real conclusion. But I want to you all to know that I’m one of a kind and not a “Prototype” for niggas who don’t act accordingly or anything else. Men decide to act like niggas sometimes, because THEY CHOSE to act that way. The responsibility is on them, not due to any other woman, or me, or me as a “Prototype” and vice versa. You are responsible for your own actions.

So, I guess I will end this one with several questions to him (the one that called me a “Prototype”) and everyone else who has read this post; “What happened to just getting to know each other (without all of the sex and intimate pressure)?” “What happened to establishing a friendship and/or a relationship with substance?” “What are we rushing for?”

Please leave your thoughts in the comment section. I’d love to hear ‘em. Thanks for your support!

Miss Joi aka “The Ultimate and One-of-a-kind Prototype”

What Women Want (Better yet, what do men want?)

(When I asked a friend of a friend what did he want from a woman, he told me that he wanted a person who could accept that he was a sports fanatic. I thought he was extreme but he was honest. Later on, I inquired if he’d seen that movie starring Drew Barrymore that had the same type of plot.)

“Joi, do you want a man that holds your hand or a man that pulls your hair? I mean (pause), just let me know”

I raised my right eyebrow feeling perplexed, uneasy, “Hmmm, well, I want both. There’s a time for both.”

Happy with my response I proceeded to do my closing waitress duties; counting money and paperwork. However, after Wesley asked me that question, I could not get the idea out of my head. It bothered me for weeks and weeks.

Several months later…

I was on the phone with a close friend. Many people say that we are twins, except she has more tits and ass, so she’s more like a sister, aesthetically anyway. During our girl talk, I say, “Where are all the fine (meaning attractive), successful, faithful, black men? Do they exist?”

While the question rolled smoothly from my tongue, I figured that you can take race out of the equation and the same question is still relevant, which is “where are they?”)

“Yeah, they do exist but they’re all whores,” She rebuttals with a laugh.

“That can’t be true,” I respond.

A light bulb went off in my brain as I woke up the next day. I quickly grabbed my cell and began texting my twin. I desperately wanted to show her that she was incorrect and being pessimistic.

I type, “I could not sleep last night about what you said. Fine, successful black men do exist and I can name two of them. #1 was cute, successful, 40, divorced. We went out a couple of times but he said that he did not want to ruin me.”

She types back, “Ok, so he’s probably a whore.”

“#2, was the same, younger but he was the one that I told you about that saw me leave the party with the bartender and assumed the worst.”

She responds via text, “He’s an idiot.”

I chuckled to myself as I read my twin’s reply and part of me wanted to agree with her. But I did prove that these men do exist even if they came equipped with flaws. But both, Bachelor #1 (AKA Mr. CB, see post “The Unattainable” for more info on him) and Bachelor #2 were certainly the type of men who could pull my hair behind closed doors (if I wanted) and hold my hand in public, reassuring me that we were a “sure thing” for the time that I was out with them. As my feelings floated back to the past, both of them did enjoy PDA (Public Display of Affection) more than I did.

There’s no real solution to what women want. We all want very different things. When we are single it may seem that we’ll never find what we want or what we think we want or what other’s want for us as far as the opposite sex. Sometimes, we’re picky, never satisfied, and feel that the next best thing is just around the corner (so we leave our options open).

Oh! Wait. Was that description a more suitable definition of single men?

No matter the gender, what we don’t realize is that that “best thing” may be starring us right in the face. But we overlook it.

Maybe, the hunt for true love should take on the same methods as applying for a job, freelance gig or even finding the perfect shoes.

-Look at the criteria/guidelines
-Highlight all talents and previous experience (which includes being candid)
-Just roll the dice and take a chance

I know that we all (men and women) want someone that we can get along with. That’s just half the battle.

Really, what do you want? Can you find everything that you want in one person?

Hurricane J...

I was watching the news report on CNN last Wednesday with non-stop coverage on Hurricane Dolly. This is most recent hurricane disaster on the market to date. Apparently, this brutal monster has wiped out South Padre, Texas leaving houses, businesses and other property in disarray. The coverage made me nostalgic remembering the awful damage Hurricane Katrina did to New Orleans just over three years ago.

It made me wonder. Why are treacherous hurricanes named as females? Is this how society sublimely viewed woman as hurricanes that will stop at nothing to destroy, cause unforgettable pain, and inflict permanent harm to its environment? Yeah, I know. You’re reading this and thinking; Joi, this idea is far fetched. But, I think that it makes perfect sense.

I could not get the thought out of my head. The idea bothered me for days. If this coded message was indeed true than how many men from my past relationships saw me as a hurricane or natural disaster that ruined their emotional well-being? How many ex-boyfriends, ex-lovers, and ex-“I’m not sure what to define him as” cringe at the thought of me coming into their lives and wiping out everything that they were used to (comfortable with) from under them? How many hearts did I crush? How many hopes did I turn into disappointments?

I could name a few. Sad, really as I think about it.

Well if I were a hurricane, what Category would I be? For example would I be Category One; where the emotional damage is only minimal. On the other hand, was I considered a Category Five where the damage is very severe, more like catastrophic?

Thinking about Hurricanes led my thoughts to a conversation that I had with Mr. N a few months ago. He asked, “Joi, why are women conniving and deceiving?”

Grasping for air, I was not sure how I should respond. I felt like he was taking all women and putting them into a box and generalizing them into the two categories: “conniving and deceiving”. Hurricane scale; definitely Category Four or Five.

“Hello, not all women are conniving and deceiving. Men can be the same way.” I said

“No, men lie, maybe cheat and try to lie about it. But that’s about it.” Mr. N responded.

“What do you mean? Define conniving and deceiving?” I asked.

“Women will say things like ‘this is your baby’, with a straight face,” Mr. N said.

I guess meaning that women will certainly have a man thinking on thing, while knowing that it’s totally untrue.

My mouth dropped. I was shocked. He was right. I agreed but I didn’t want him to know it.

So, maybe women (not all but some) can be “conniving and deceiving” as Mr. N would put it. And maybe some women are Hurricanes that want to run rapid, be free and deal with a strong man who can handle all of it, even tame them.

My question is: “If you were a Hurricane, what would you be named and what category would you be?”